Phfeenikz (phfeenikz) wrote,

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hellooo Darlin'

It's been a while since I graced these pages, and I'm not even going to pretend that I've kept up with all the doings of my flist.  I don't even know why I'm here now, if only to impart a little of myself to total strangers.  I seem to have a knack for that. 
No, I'm going to be all introspective and stuff.  What else would one expect from the likes of me. 
I was told this evening that I would make beautiful children.  I have no doubt about it.  I've come to realize over the years that I'm not that hard on the eyes.  I'm not being conceited, or self centered.  I've merely been convinced by the observations and musings of others who have told me otherwise (other than my mother of course) over many years. 
So I give to the public exhibit A, for reasons that I don't fully understand myself.  Beautiful children can arise, but as common wisdom is abound with... well wisdom, beauty is only skin deep.  A man so charming, intelligent, and good looking, certainly should have passed on his superior genes to the backwash that is the greater majority of humanity.  But alas, his seed was the very evil that nobody would ever have thought him capable of were it not for his confessions to his heinous crimes. 
I'm a dark person, and I'm also very selfish.  Peter Pan syndrome might describe it best.  I refuse to procreate, and for some reason that raises hackles amongst some people I know.  I'm no serial killer, I love too much to ever do that.  Even my enemies are safe from such a demise if it's within my power to stop such a thing from happening.  But that doesn't make me an automatic breeder.  I'm still not entirely convinced that I would actually enhance humanity in the least bit were I to procreate.  Dementia, cancer, diabetes, are among a small slice of diseases and disorders that I would pass on to the human genome.  Arguably, these are things that are better left out of the gene pool if humanity ever wants to have the glimmer of a chance at surviving beyond their own atmosphere. 
Oh, I've been very blunt here from the start.  This little journey of words is my pathetic "Doogie Howser" attempt at understanding this chaotic life.  Only difference is that I'm not a brilliant teenager grappling with issues beyond my grasp, or hormonal fractures of personality laced with awkward lunges at being a productive adult.  I was well past that stage before I uttered a single word here. 
I declare with the utmost sincerity: I don't want to be a father.  I don't want to share my life, or give up my time to raise a child.  I don't want to because I'm selfish, and that would require a significant investment on my part.  A minimum of 18 years, and given that I view Fatherhood in such a manner, I probably shouldn't become a patriarch to any family.  Essentially, I've chosen to remain outside the circle of breeders that will populate the next generation of our species.  I don't feel that I would add to the human race any significant advantage that would allow us to continue beyond the current crises that await us.  I would argue the opposite in fact, given our successes may ultimately bring about our demise... Global warming, over-population, upward scarcity of global resources, etc. 
I often feel these days that I cannot in all good conscience bring about the future suffering that will be the life of any child that I bring forth into this world.  Much less, guarantee that said child won't grow up to be a despicable monster that preys upon the weak and frail with a bloodlust that collectively astounds savage, yet civilized simians such as we. 
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