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Mar. 17th, 2009

Contrast.

SXSW, the center of the interwebs.

SXSW (South by South West), has been nothing short of a huge party.  Being a guy who likes huge parties, this hasn't ever been an issue with me.  Though I still stand by my original, and long lasting belief, that I would never want to live in Texas.  I would however like to impart some things that I've observed whilst bumping elbows with my geeky kin.

1.) There is a hierarchy amongst the geek set.  Regardless of the fact that most of us spent our formative years being ostracized, it seems that they still have the capacity (solely early primate in nature) to organize themselves in such a manner as to exclude some sort of lower echelon.

2.) There are some really hot chicks in the tech sector..  I mean GOD DAMN!

3.) Austin is a city rife with the smell of the have's, and have not's.

Nevermind that I get to bask in the cranial stew that is nexus of all the interwebs.  That alone will atone for all the preceding grief that I've decided to put up with.  Above all else, it feels important, and I feel privileged to be a part of it.


Mar. 6th, 2009

Contrast.

Leaving on a jet plane

Next week I get to travel out of state. I haven't left the buckeye state for nearly two years so it's a welcome distraction. After learning that my employers were offering a spot  to attend SXSW (Interactive portion) to one person in product development, I cajoled my way in.

Not to borrow a phrase from that pompous windbag Rush Limbaugh, but I literally became the last man standing in my department late last year.  After a year on the job, I became the member with the most seniority.  The point was best highlighted when at the third quarter company meeting last year, the CTO put stars next the names of all the members of my team who were new since the last quarterly meeting.  Yep, mine was the only one that didn't have a star next to it.  In other words, I've damn well earned that plane ticket to Austin.

I depart around 6:00 AM next Thursday, which will require strenuous effort on my part to ensure that my ass on the plane before they close the gates.  It's not my favorite time of day to be conscious, but I think I'll manage :P

Feb. 27th, 2009

George

hellooo Darlin'

It's been a while since I graced these pages, and I'm not even going to pretend that I've kept up with all the doings of my flist.  I don't even know why I'm here now, if only to impart a little of myself to total strangers.  I seem to have a knack for that. 
 
No, I'm going to be all introspective and stuff.  What else would one expect from the likes of me. 
 
I was told this evening that I would make beautiful children.  I have no doubt about it.  I've come to realize over the years that I'm not that hard on the eyes.  I'm not being conceited, or self centered.  I've merely been convinced by the observations and musings of others who have told me otherwise (other than my mother of course) over many years. 
 
So I give to the public exhibit A, for reasons that I don't fully understand myself.  Beautiful children can arise, but as common wisdom is abound with... well wisdom, beauty is only skin deep.  A man so charming, intelligent, and good looking, certainly should have passed on his superior genes to the backwash that is the greater majority of humanity.  But alas, his seed was the very evil that nobody would ever have thought him capable of were it not for his confessions to his heinous crimes. 
 
I'm a dark person, and I'm also very selfish.  Peter Pan syndrome might describe it best.  I refuse to procreate, and for some reason that raises hackles amongst some people I know.  I'm no serial killer, I love too much to ever do that.  Even my enemies are safe from such a demise if it's within my power to stop such a thing from happening.  But that doesn't make me an automatic breeder.  I'm still not entirely convinced that I would actually enhance humanity in the least bit were I to procreate.  Dementia, cancer, diabetes, are among a small slice of diseases and disorders that I would pass on to the human genome.  Arguably, these are things that are better left out of the gene pool if humanity ever wants to have the glimmer of a chance at surviving beyond their own atmosphere. 
 
Oh, I've been very blunt here from the start.  This little journey of words is my pathetic "Doogie Howser" attempt at understanding this chaotic life.  Only difference is that I'm not a brilliant teenager grappling with issues beyond my grasp, or hormonal fractures of personality laced with awkward lunges at being a productive adult.  I was well past that stage before I uttered a single word here. 
 
I declare with the utmost sincerity: I don't want to be a father.  I don't want to share my life, or give up my time to raise a child.  I don't want to because I'm selfish, and that would require a significant investment on my part.  A minimum of 18 years, and given that I view Fatherhood in such a manner, I probably shouldn't become a patriarch to any family.  Essentially, I've chosen to remain outside the circle of breeders that will populate the next generation of our species.  I don't feel that I would add to the human race any significant advantage that would allow us to continue beyond the current crises that await us.  I would argue the opposite in fact, given our successes may ultimately bring about our demise... Global warming, over-population, upward scarcity of global resources, etc. 
 
I often feel these days that I cannot in all good conscience bring about the future suffering that will be the life of any child that I bring forth into this world.  Much less, guarantee that said child won't grow up to be a despicable monster that preys upon the weak and frail with a bloodlust that collectively astounds savage, yet civilized simians such as we. 
 
 <input ... >
 

Oct. 14th, 2008

Contrast.

Down with cabal.

I feel betrayed this evening.  The weekly AA meeting was moved up to this evening, and I got a lovely treat.  I had to sit there while the mouthpiece (a.k.a Warren) spoke on everyone's behalf.  His message was nothing short of devastating for me.  To paraphrase; "You're welcome, but Martha (a.k.a the cougar) isn't".  I said okay, I won't bring her around anymore.  Whether they understood that to mean  "I won't be coming around anymore" is questionable.

So here is the realization for me.  I don't make enemies.  I don't start fights.  I'm really a pacifist at heart.  What I do though, is make you insignificant to my life.  I'm not one to open up, but when I do I expect that I'll be given some leeway.  To hear that I'm not only given no leeway, but explicitly forbidden to enact said leeway... well that truly rubs me the wrong way.  I'll keep things professional from now on, but these "friends" that I've made at work apparently come with some sort of strings attached, and that I won't abide.  Welcome to insignificance my "friends".

I've been through a lot in my short life, and I've learned where I should and shouldn't cut ties.  Tonight I'm cutting ties.  I've come up with something that I think might be quotable in the future to explain this turn of events.  True friends never have to ask for understanding.  As soon as I realized that was what was required of me, I gave up.  Oh, I understand them.  I've not been in short supply of that.  But when it comes to my turn, they collectively turn their backs on me.  It's ironic that Martha, who probably understands my profession least of all, understands me the most.  And this group who should understand me intuitively hasn't the slightest clue about who I am.  They can keep their clique, I'm done with it.  Exclusivity has never been what I'm about, and to ask that of me is egregious, downright disrespectful.

Sep. 24th, 2008

Contrast.

The cut of my jib.

I had this long, convoluted post but decided to condense it instead.  Bullet points of happiness, yay!
  • I love Martha (me amo Martha).  I don't care who knows.  I've taken the criticisms of my former, and have decided to apply them liberally.  I don't intend to make the same mistakes this time.  I feel that this will be one of the greatest relationships that I've ever been in.  I'm happy.
  • My job has become crazy challenging, and supremely stressful.  I can't even consider leaving on vacation right now for fear that things will fall apart if I do.  I couldn't love my job more!
  • I still have awesome friends,  most of which have accepted mi amor.  They just want me to be happy, and are glad to see me in just such a state.
  • No really, I'm trying hard not to make this all about mi amor.  But I'm failing miserably.
  • She has the ability to drag me into the socially awkward situation of dancing in public.  She makes me not care, as long as I'm behaving foolishly with her.
  • It's been nearly 11 years since I've felt this way.  I've fooled myself in the intervening years into thinking that I've felt that way about others.  Truth be known, I realize that I didn't really feel that way.
Anything else will just be self-masturbatory.  Suffice it to say that I will continue to ignore you all, and only post sparingly for the duration.  I know it's cheesy, but Martha really completes me.  I never say that, never... but exceptions do exist to every rule I suppose.  I really feel (not to disparage anyone before her) that we have more of an opportunity to grow together, than individually.  I'm smitten, besotted, or whatever passes for deeply in love these days.

When I first met her, I wasn't sure.  But the more I get to know her, the more deeply I fall.  Yeah... so I think even I would puke whilst reading this so I will stop for now.  My scant readership is tenuous, and lest I scare them away permanently, I think it's high time to end this mushy post of mine.

Sep. 8th, 2008

Contrast.

In response to sweating, and invocations of FSM.

Wow, so it's been nearly a month since I've logged into this here LJ thing. Facebook seems to be taking precedence these days. I absolutely hated it the first time that I tried it, but have grown to like it more. Especially since I can easily post photos or tweets from my phone, and have them appear automagically on my Facebook profile. That, and I really haven't had as much time lately to sit down and construct a long post. But this isn't why I came here to post.

Facebook, for all of its wonderful (or not so wonderful) attributes isn't the place where I can say everything that is on my mind. A good chunk of my friends there are co-workers, and a lot of what I say here? Well, let's just say it's much too personal to allow the vast majority of them to read it. Especially those who are unaware of the more recent events in my love life.

Speaking of, Martha (a.k.a The Cougar), is less of a friend with benefits these days. I'll keep it pithy, as the state of our relationship should become apparent in a few short sentences. She's stayed at my home every night for the past 6 days, though tonight she'll be sleeping in her own bed. She met my brother and his boyfriend, and both seem to love her. She met some of my friends last weekend, again, thumbs up and approvals all around. Last night, I entrusted the spare key for my apartment to her.

I'm still rather apprehensive to introduce her to my parents. I'm not really sure what they'll think about me dating a woman who is 12 years my senior, and who has two kids that are both in college. However, the more time that I spend with her the less I find myself caring.